The Long Arm of the Law - May 2005by Diane Pagel
Having been in the rural scene for a bit, one does forget that city folks have a different perspective on things. Like really different. Plus, no sense of humor.
A few years ago, I had to go to court. The court day arrives and I stroll into the entry where everyone has to go through a metal detector. I drop my large purse onto the tray to go through the x-ray machine and I pass through the metal detector and wait on the other side for my purse.
Two deputy sheriffs approach me and ask me to step aside with them. So I comply. Not that I have a choice or anything. My purse is open and a women deputy is sitting next to it.
She asks, “Madam, what is this?”, as she pulls the hoof trimmers out of my purse.
I recognize them immediately as my orange hoof trimmers that I have misplaced and quickly reply “My hoof trimmers”.
Noticing the looks of bewilderment of the three deputies I explain that I have a sheep farm and I use them to trim the sheep hooves. I go on to explain that I have sheep in a field not too close to my house, and I had trimmed their hooves just recently and had put the trimmers in my purse to bring home, otherwise they would just get lost in the truck.
They seem satisfied with my answer and put the trimmers aside and tell me that after they are done, I have to take them out and leave them in my truck, as they are considered a dangerous weapon. Apparently my skills as a hoof trimmer have reached their ears!!
Next, the female deputy pulls out another large metal object from my purse. At this point, I realize that I might be in trouble. It is the bander. All three deputies look at me and I softly say “It is a bander.”
Well, the female deputy smiles and I know she knows what it is used for and she says “Ok, you need to put this in your truck too”.
Not happy with the nonchalant response from the female deputy, one of the two male deputies, ‘Deputy Smith’, grabs the bander and holds it up and asks, loudly so everyone within 20 feet all turns around and stares, “What is this?”
“It’s a bander” I answer in a quiet voice. The female deputy has a sly grin.
“What? Speak up. What is it?” he demands as he waves it around.
“It’ a bander” as I reply in a louder voice.
“What is that? What do you use it for?” he demands.
By this time we have a good audience since most of the crowd is of the farming community. The second male deputy wisely keeps his mouth shut.
“I use it to band ram lambs” I tell him.
“What? Please explain.” and he moves closer to me, holding it out to me.
Ok, by this time, I figure that I am in deep doo-doo and rummage around in my purse and pull out the green rubber bands. I just banded a bunch of ram lambs at the field at the same time I had done hoof trimming.
I take the bander from ‘Deputy Smith’, fit the rubber band on and open the device wide. I turn and look and see that my audience is lined up behind me with smirks and the female deputy has her hand covering her mouth and a small giggle is escaping.
“You see, I put this on the little ram’s private parts and it neuters them. It cuts off circulation and their private parts fall off.”
I am waving this around for full visual effect for the crowd. I figure if they are going to arrest me, might as well go out in style.
At this point, ‘Deputy Smith’, realizes exactly what this is for and turns a bright shade of red, the female deputy burst out laughing and a few giggles burst out from the crowd.
He is too stunned to say anything and I quickly grab my hoof trimmers and purse.
“I’ll be right back and will put these back in my truck. Life on the farm sure keeps me busy” I quickly say.
I race out and quickly deposit the trimmers and bander into the truck. I also take out the Leatherman and anything else that is farm related.
I go back in and am told that I have to go through the metal detector again and the purse has to be run through again. I notice that ‘Deputy Smith’ is gone and the remaining male and female deputies are smiling broadly at me.
“Got anything else we should know about?” she asks me.
“Nope, it’s all ok now” I state. I smile at both hoping that I am not in too much trouble.
The other male deputy motions me over and whispers to me so he, the female deputy and I are the only ones that can hear what he has to say.
“He’s a city boy”. We all smile that knowing smile at each other.