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“DUCT TAPE MY A**”
by Diane Pagel - 2001
I did grow up
on a farm but we had cattle and horses but no sheep. Lots of cats, dogs, fowl and stray snakes and
spiders -much to my mom's dismay. A barn owl or two, and certainly creepy
crawly things. But no sheep. None, nada,
zippo!!
So, for my
Border Collie Tess's birthday last year, she got a sheep farm. Well it was a farm but no sheep but they
arrived in record time.
Got the sheep
then unpacked the house. Priorities, you know.
If someone
would have told me I would have bought a sheep farm for the dogs, I would have
escorted them to the nearest loony bin.
So here I am, with a sheep farm and border collies and one CITY SPOUSE.
So last
night, I look out and see one of my Barbs lying down, she is about due. So I
walk out and see she is prolapsed. Do I
know anything about this? No, so a quick call to Robin. The Sheep book describe
something but I am not too sure of what to do. Robin knows what to do. I also
call Judy and she tells me the duct tape method. Thank goodness for both of
them.
Robin says
"Shove it in" and gives me details.
Ok, so this
*thingie* is the size of a soccer ball and I am to shove it in a small hole? I
tell Jeff he better quickly eat his dinner while I get the supplies. I know he
will not eat his dinner if we do this first.
I put sugar
on it and try to push the blob in. Jeff turns white and wants to know how long
this will take. Well, since I have never
done this and Robin assured me that it would go in we would be here until it
did. He wants to know if this will be a common occurrence and could we get
sheep that don't have that problem? (good idea!!)
I push and he
holds and *poof* it goes in. Then I pull
out the duct tape and the twine harness.
He gives me this funny look (one of many that night) and says
"first sugar, now duct tape, God I hate to ask what's next?"
Did I forget
to mention when I pushed it in, she peed all over me. I swear it was several
lakes worth. Sheep revenge?
I tell him he
is the chairman of the "duct tape committee" as I am holding her
bottom. Wrap a circle all around her. I
explain where it should and should go. He
does it. Not a peep, not a word, just dead silence. Then I haul out the book
that has the semi-bad drawing of the twine and Robin’s email.
He does this
and the ewe kicks him for good measure. Near a spot that I won't mention.
We get it
somewhat like the pictures and it does look like it will work so we quit. Lots
of tape and twine. We get up as well as the ewe. He calls her "Duct tape my a**"
She is fine
today. A dull gray tape intertwined with
yellow twine. Good appetite and frisky and peeing/pooping too.
Jeff wants to
know if he can have the night off tonight from sheep detail.
He goes and
hides in the music studio, he has the guitar cranked. I wonder why? Perhaps so he can not hear me
calling him for help? Such a smart man.
1 comment:
I saw an episode of "All Creatures Great and Small" in which someone (Sigfried?) used a # of sugar and a wine bottle filled with warm water to replace a "displaced calf-bed."
The wine bottle was to push in and make sure that the "horns of the uterus" were completely pushed "right side in," which would make the thing less likely to come out again.
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