British Humour

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.¶(I want to adopt this kid!!!)¶

TEACHER: John, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

JOHN: A teacher