Duct Tape my A** - 2001

One of the more popular stories that I wrote for the Working Border Collie Magazine.

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“DUCT TAPE MY A**”

 by Diane Pagel - 2001

 Ok, I'll be the first to admit that I am not sheep savvy......;-)

I did grow up on a farm but we had cattle and horses but no sheep.  Lots of cats, dogs, fowl and stray snakes and spiders -much to my mom's dismay. A barn owl or two, and certainly creepy crawly things.  But no sheep. None, nada, zippo!!

So, for my Border Collie Tess's birthday last year, she got a sheep  farm. Well it was a farm but no sheep but they arrived in record time.

Got the sheep then unpacked the house. Priorities, you know.

If someone would have told me I would have bought a sheep farm for the dogs, I would have escorted them to the nearest loony bin.  So here I am, with a sheep farm and border collies and one CITY SPOUSE.

 He never touched a sheep, unless you count lamb chops. Never fixed a fence. Never went and got the flock of sheep from the cattle pasture  (inside the herd of cattle-hiding), never put up hot wire, never had  to bury the leftovers from a cougar kill, never had to muck  stalls, but the gallant guy that he was he did all of this.  And my goodness, he is the butt of many sheep jokes with his city friends.

So last night, I look out and see one of my Barbs lying down, she is about due. So I walk out and see she is prolapsed.  Do I know anything about this? No, so a quick call to Robin. The Sheep book describe something but I am not too sure of what to do. Robin knows what to do. I also call Judy and she tells me the duct tape method. Thank goodness for both of them.

Robin says "Shove it in" and gives me details.

Ok, so this *thingie* is the size of a soccer ball and I am to shove it in a small hole? I tell Jeff he better quickly eat his dinner while I get the supplies. I know he will not eat his dinner if we do this first.

 We go out to the barn and I tell Jeff what we have to do!!  He asks if I could do it by myself or call a friend.  NOPE, I answer and boy does he look "happy"

 

So he catches the ewe and flips her on her back. I clean it off with warm water and then pour sugar on it. Jeff looks at me like I have lost my mind and says "sugar...." I explain the purpose and he lamely says "don't drop the scoop" and I promptly did and he groaned.

I put sugar on it and try to push the blob in. Jeff turns white and wants to know how long this will take.  Well, since I have never done this and Robin assured me that it would go in we would be here until it did. He wants to know if this will be a common occurrence and could we get sheep that don't have that problem? (good idea!!)

I push and he holds and *poof* it goes in.  Then I pull out the duct tape and the twine harness.  He gives me this funny look (one of many that night) and says "first sugar, now duct tape, God I hate to ask what's next?"

Did I forget to mention when I pushed it in, she peed all over me. I swear it was several lakes worth.  Sheep revenge?

 

I tell him he is the chairman of the "duct tape committee" as I am holding her bottom. Wrap a circle all around her.  I explain where it should and should go.  He does it. Not a peep, not a word, just dead silence. Then I haul out the book that has the semi-bad drawing of the twine and Robin’s email.

 

 

"Honey (figuring I better get in his good graces), loop this over her neck and then...blah, blah."

He does this and the ewe kicks him for good measure. Near a spot that I won't mention.

We get it somewhat like the pictures and it does look like it will work so we quit. Lots of tape and twine. We get up as well as the ewe.  He calls her "Duct tape my a**"

She is fine today.  A dull gray tape intertwined with yellow twine. Good appetite and frisky and peeing/pooping too.

Jeff wants to know if he can have the night off tonight from sheep detail.

He goes and hides in the music studio, he has the guitar cranked.  I wonder why? Perhaps so he can not hear me calling him for help? Such a smart man.

 

 

The Fish & Wildlife Guy and the Floppie Lamb - 2000

One of the first stories that I wrote for the Working Border Collie or American Border Collie Magazine.

 

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The Fish & Wildlife Guy and the Floppie Lamb 

by Diane Pagel - 2000

**The names have been changed to protect the innocent*******

 

Once again, life at DeltaBluez farm is never dull. Cougars, coyotes and toxic waste oil drums. A  typical time here. Apparently the meth lab rug folks have taken to dumping their meth drums out in the country...and I am calling the Fire Dept and other folks to clean up.

 

But this story is about the FIsh and Wildlife (F & W)  visit. Ben and I are buds. I call and leave a message "This is Diane, the sheep farmer and I have another kill". He knows from that message who I am. He is a really cool guy.

 

So Friday the dear spouse (Jeff), you know the city boy that can fix a prolapsed ewe in 5 minutes flat, well, he was out wandering the fields and discovered a half eaten sheep. I am sure after this he will never venture out in the fields again. The LGDs went off on Tuesday night and we woke up and couldn't see anything. So come Friday, Jeff discovers why...the coyotes had run a ewe into the irrigation ditch and killed her. I had miscounted my sheep and missed her. And I studied Engineering too.....hum.....

 

So I call Ben. And leave a message. "Hi, Ben, it's Diane again....another kill, except this time on my property- not the leased property"

We play teley tag and on Sunday we meet. He came out Friday but wanted to meet me and get more details. We meet at the barn and walk down to the lower pasture.
 

The ewe is ripe, very ripe in fact. At this point, standing downwind (I, too can learn) I wonder why people would want to work in a morgue. I also wonder how much soap it would take to get this stench out of my hair and clothes. Ben is oblivious to the smell.
 

We examine the ewe and decide that the coyotes are not going to come back and I volunteer the spouse to bury it when Ben requests that I bury it. I told him it was on the "Honey-do list." I am sure he was glad he was not my honey.
 

We wander back to the house and decided to look at the new lambs (about 4-6 weeks old). They are running around in the upper pasture with the moms grazing nearby when we spy one lamb doing the "Floppies" I am sure there is a technical term you fancy-smazzy sheep people have but I call it the “floppies”. She just flopped on the ground and twitched.

 

Bleated really loud. Couldn't walk, just flopped. Like my belly flop when I dive off the dive boards.
 

Ben and I run into the pasture figuring we could snag her and see what is wrong. Both of us are healthy folks and the lamb has got the Floppies. So the Floppie lamb get up and runs like the wind and we gasp and wheeze after her. We stop figuring she must have been playing with us when she Flopped again. So we run up and then off she goes. Back and forth all over the pasture, two adults being beaten by a Floppie lamb. She runs, we run, we stop then she flops. Almost like a country western song and dance. She was leading though.

 

Ok, so you would think two adults would get the Border Collie and round up the lamb but no...we are not going to let a Floppie lamb beat us...so we chase her again...and finally we corner her and snag her. Not a mark on her, no runs, no nasal problems, fat and sleek as her sister. Thank goodness, as I was ready to call the medics to revive two winded folks from humiliation.
 

Ok, so we have learned do not put the Floppie lamb down...so we get mommy Barb to follow with her twin. We put them in the stall where she flops. I turn to Ben and thank him for his help. He looks tired. Really tired. I think the next time I call him, he will send Lori who is probably lower on the food chain than him. But he is a good sport. So I guess those F & W guys are good after all. Especially with Floppie lambs. On any given Sunday He leaves, rather quickly, I might add.

 

Ben is probably screening his calls from me from now on....he seems like such a nice guy. As he left, he did say he was a grandpa. Was that a hint? I mean for a grandpa he was running pretty darn good after Floppie Lamb. I guess grandpas are in better shape that I thought they would be.
 

I call my dear friend Robin (again, last time I called her was regarding the Duct Tape prolapsed ewe) and she answers the phone. I explain about the Floppie  lamb and we both try to figure out what is wrong. Nothing in the sheep books help.  Finally we determine to give Floppie lamb a Vitamin B shot and see what happens. I hang up the phone and Robin, no doubt, immediately calls the phone company to get a new unlisted number. Or get Caller ID.

 

A few minutes later I go down with a Vitamin B shot and the Floppie lamb is fine and dandy, up and prancing around. I do not have the heart to call Ben and tell him that we have been made fools of by the Floppie lamb. There are some things better left unsaid.

From a sheep's point of view - 2001

Another one I wrote for the Working Border Collie Magazine

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From a sheep's point of view

by Diane Pagel - 2001

 

The JUDGE: Usually a person near the handler who will be impressed by your antics. The more antics you do, the more he will mark it down as points on the paper in his hand. The purpose is to have him or her mark down lots of points for you. Jumping the fence or lying down and playing down are worth many points. Hitting the panels will make you lose lots of points. Same goes for the PEN. Things to get more points: chasing the dog off the field, knocking the handler down at the pen, leaping into the set out or exhaust pen, playing dead, running in many directions and not flocking, having the dog bite you and Jump high when the dogs does this (this shows off your athletic ability), or not moving at all.

 The HANDLER: A person that you can run over, knock down or hang near if the dog is near by. You can try to hang near the handler in hopes the dog will chase them instead of you. If not, knock down the handler and the dog will quit chasing you. You can do anything to the handler; however the handler can not touch you. This makes this person an easy mark. If you are going to knock them over, locate a large pile of poop for them to land in. You don't want to cripple them!!

The DOG: a nasty, little vermin who likes to sneak up on you and make you do what he or she wants with the help of that annoying Handler. However you can listen to that annoying Handler and figure out his/her next moves. They let everyone know their plan of attack. after all, when an enemy whistles what is going to happen next, what are the chances of them winning?

 

The Dog usually obeys these whistles so you can now use counter measures to win. Sometime you can get extra points by leading and teasing the dog until she/he bites. That will give the dog a DQ (See DQ for more info). You can also refuse to move and chat among your other sheep friend about the State of the Nation and cause the Dog and Handler to panic. Usually the Handler will give more whistles and when they are completely frazzled you can make a break for the SET OUT PEN. Never, obey the dog!  Doing this will eventually lead you into the PEN which contains the nine headed space alien monster. Any sheep that lets a Dog move them here and there deserve to die.

The SET OUT CREW: A bunch of people to be avoided at all cost. Acts like you are cooperating then as soon as they stop moving, then bolt in 3 directions or back to the SET OUT PEN. When these people stop moving they can not move for about 2 minutes so use this time wisely. A good time to head back to the SET OUT PEN.

The DOWN WHISTLE: Means the dog is fast approaching you from behind. It is like a warning from that dumb handler down yonder.  Use this brief warning wisely and run faster.

COME BYE, AWAY TO ME: Other warnings from the handler to let you know which direction the dog is approaching. This gives you time to re adjust and flee.

The PEN: The area where a nine headed space alien is hiding. Any sheep who enters this area is immediately eaten up - ALIVE and SLOWLY. Act like you are going into it, and then burst out, like the fireworks at the Fourth of July. If you can cause the PEN to collapse, you will get a large round of applause from the audience.

The EXHAUST PEN: Safety, run as fast as you can and leap over the fence into it. This is where you want to go after you have left the SET OUT PEN. The Dog and Handler will do everything to prevent this. Try to get there as fast as you can. Run over the Handler if necessary.

The SET OUT PEN: The other place of safety. As soon as you see the dog approach, run back to this pen and leap in. This is where you came from. This is a very safe place and at all costs you must either go back here or the EXHAUST PEN. Anywhere else is danger. Act docile when they lead you out, and then wait a bit and you can make a break for this. Timing is critical.

The PANELS: Avoid going thru these at all costs. Act like you are going thru them and then at the last minute veer off. Any sheep caught going thru these are just waiting to being getting set up for that nine headed space alien in the pen.

Remember these panels are kin to the pen. It's like the plague or acne.

FIRST, SECOND and THIRD PLACE: These go for your sheep friends who have not read the rules or are completely stupid. They have hardly any points marked down on the Judges Score sheet. These sheep went in willing to the PEN and thusly DESERVE to be eaten by the nine headed alien. Do not hang out with these sheep at any other trials or you will get a reputation for being EASY!!!

DQ:  When the judge calls this you have just impressed the Judge to no ends.  You have won and the Judge has told the handler and dog that you beat them.  It is a great honor to get this. DQ mean DARN QUICK, meaning you are pretty darn quick in WINNING!! Sometimes you have to encourage the dog to bite to get this. Teasing is acceptable.

RT: This means the Handler has acknowledged you are the MASTER of the Universe and is throwing in the towel and you WIN. You get extra grain for this. You just beat the enemy. You also showed the Judge that as well. RT means Royal Thug. You are after all, the victor!!

 

The Long Arm of the Law

Another story that I wrote for the Working Border Collie Magazine

 

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The Long Arm of the Law - May 2005

by Diane Pagel

 Having been in the rural scene for a bit, one does forget that city folks have a different perspective on things. Like really different. Plus, no sense of humor.

A few years ago, I had to go to court. The court day arrives and I stroll into the entry where everyone has to go through a metal detector. I drop my large purse onto the tray to go through the x-ray machine and I pass through the metal detector and wait on the other side for my purse.

Two deputy sheriffs approach me and ask me to step aside with them. So I comply.  Not that I have a choice or anything. My purse is open and a women deputy is sitting next to it. 

She asks, “Madam, what is this?”, as she pulls the hoof trimmers out of my purse.

I recognize them immediately as my orange hoof trimmers that I have misplaced and quickly reply “My hoof trimmers”.

Noticing the looks of bewilderment of the three deputies I explain that I have a sheep farm and I use them to trim the sheep hooves. I go on to explain that I have sheep in a field not too close to my house, and I had trimmed their hooves just recently and had put the trimmers in my purse to bring home, otherwise they would just get lost in the truck.

 They seem satisfied with my answer and put the trimmers aside and tell me that after they are done, I have to take them out and leave them in my truck, as they are considered a dangerous weapon. Apparently my skills as a hoof trimmer have reached their ears!!

Next, the female deputy pulls out another large metal object from my purse.  At this point, I realize that I might be in trouble. It is the bander. All three deputies look at me and I softly say “It is a bander.”

Well, the female deputy smiles and I know she knows what it is used for and she says “Ok, you need to put this in your truck too”.

Not happy with the nonchalant response from the female deputy, one of the two male deputies, ‘Deputy Smith’, grabs the bander and holds it up and asks, loudly so everyone within 20 feet all turns around and stares, “What is this?”

“It’s a bander” I answer in a quiet voice. The female deputy has a sly grin.

“What? Speak up. What is it?” he demands as he waves it around.

“It’ a bander” as I reply in a louder voice.

“What is that? What do you use it for?” he demands.

By this time we have a good audience since most of the crowd is of the farming community. The second male deputy wisely keeps his mouth shut.

“I use it to band ram lambs” I tell him.

“What?  Please explain.” and he moves closer to me, holding it out to me.

Ok, by this time, I figure that I am in deep doo-doo and rummage around in my purse and pull out the green rubber bands. I just banded a bunch of ram lambs at the field at the same time I had done hoof trimming.

I take the bander from ‘Deputy Smith’, fit the rubber band on and open the device wide.  I turn and look and see that my audience is lined up behind me with smirks and the female deputy has her hand covering her mouth and a small giggle is escaping.

“You see, I put this on the little ram’s private parts and it neuters them. It cuts off circulation and their private parts fall off.”

 I am waving this around for full visual effect for the crowd. I figure if they are going to arrest me, might as well go out in style.

At this point, ‘Deputy Smith’, realizes exactly what this is for and turns a bright shade of red, the female deputy burst out laughing and a few giggles burst out from the crowd.

He is too stunned to say anything and I quickly grab my hoof trimmers and purse.

“I’ll be right back and will put these back in my truck. Life on the farm sure keeps me busy” I quickly say.

 I race out and quickly deposit the trimmers and bander into the truck. I also take out the Leatherman and anything else that is farm related.

I go back in and am told that I have to go through the metal detector again and the purse has to be run through again. I notice that ‘Deputy Smith’ is gone and the remaining male and female deputies are smiling broadly at me.

“Got anything else we should know about?” she asks me.

“Nope, it’s all ok now” I state. I smile at both hoping that I am not in too much trouble.

 The other male deputy motions me over and whispers to me so he, the female deputy and I are the only ones that can hear what he has to say.

“He’s a city boy”. We all smile that knowing smile at each other.

Penning- A Fine Art – Diane Pagel 2004

I wrote this many years ago and it was published in the Working Border Collie Magazine.  I am going to dig up the stories that  I wrote for the Working Border Collie Magazine, American Border Collie Magazine and Ranchdog/Stockdog Journal Magazine and put them on the blog for your enjoyment. Most of them involve Tess.

 

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Penning- A Fine Art – Diane Pagel 2004

 

Ever been to a trial and try to pen? Only to discover that seventeen times around the pen with the sheep and dog does not get you any extra points?  Maybe a winded dog, dizzy sheep and a hoarse voice and perhaps the butt of many jokes? ‘Course, I NEVER did THAT in my career.

 

NOPE, not me!! HAH!! If you believe that, then I have a fine bridge to sell you.

 

After one such exemplary run as described above a few years ago, I decided to get with the program and practice penning at home. One fine summery day seemed like the best opportunity, as I had to get the sheep into a stall to check on a couple of ewes that were limping.

 

I got my budding ProNovice dog, Tess, and we set off to gather the flock. Tess is very devoted to me and will do anything I ask of her. This is a key point later in the story. I sent her off and she quickly dashed off to get the 30 or so head.  I strolled to the stall and opened the gate and peered over the head of the ewes to see where Tess was in relation to the sheep. Tess, as usual was in the correct spot. (NOTE: I was not)

 

I flung the gate wide open and told Tess to “Pen them”. The sheep have a fence on one side and the gate was opened against the barn wall. So she had a 90 degree angle to put the sheep into the stall. The sheep started to pour into the stall and then the last half of the sheep stopped and refused to go in. I stood behind the few at the gate mouth and used the “boot in the butt” action to assist them in going in. (NOTE: Not a good idea)

 

Meanwhile, I am telling Tess “COME ON, GET THEM IN”

 

The few that I had given the boot action then went in and I turned (while in the mouth of the pen), only to see Tess doing exactly as I told her. I told her “COME ON, GET THEM IN” in a deep commanding voice and by God, she stood up to the task and bullied the rest in.

 

Mistake Number One: Do not give your dog this command when you are not in the correct position.

 

Mistake Number Two. Do not EVER stand in the mouth of the pen while trying to pen sheep.

 

Mistake Number Three: Brain can not give words fast enough to tell dog to stop.

 

Mistake Number Four. Do not try to crowd sheep into a packed pen when you are in their path.

 

Tess, bless her heart, gave me her all and crammed all the sheep in the stall. While this was fine and dandy, there were a couple of minor items that went wrong. As I said, standing in the mouth of the pen is not a good idea. The sheep bowled me over and I hung onto to a ewe (I have no idea why I did this) and she dragged me in. (Note: Hanging onto a ewe is not a good idea)

 

When my brain finally figured out letting go of the ewe would be in my best interest, my hands released her. Really smart, however this would be good if I was still standing in the mouth of the pen. But no, I had been dragged in the stall with the sheep, and Tess finished packing the stall with the laggards. I tried to stand up by pushing a ewe off me and Tess would pack her back in. Did I fail to mention that the sheep just had come off green, lush pasture? This is a key point, as you want to be above the sheep hind ends!!

 

Mistake Number Five: Keep mouth closed when sheep are trampling over you. You figure out what happened here.

 

 

Every time I started to get to my feet, Tess would pack the sheep back in.  The stall was packed and every time I moved a ewe she would go outside the gate line and Tess would promptly pack her in. The sheep would then push me back down to the floor. Finally I yelled at Tess to “Lie down” and she did. However, she made sure the sheep were packed in the pen and she laid in the mouth of the stall. I tell her to “Get back” and she would reluctantly move back and a few sheep would cross over the invisible gate mouth line and she was worried about her quality of her work but finally relented and let a token few cross the invisible line.

 

Meanwhile, I managed to crawl up to a sitting position and shove sheep out of the way. I saw Tess’s bright eyes looking at me and she was puffed up with pride with a job well done. Her eyes glowed with happiness that she managed to pen all the sheep with my help.

 

I looked at my clothes and notice in horror that they were covered in slimy green sheep poop. Remember what I said about the ewes being on a lush pasture. Then I felt that my back was very wet and my long hair was very damp. I raised my hand to wipe some sheep poop off my face and only managed to transfer the wet poop from my face back to my face. I then realized that my back is soaked, as in totally soaked, and my hair was one huge sheep poop pack. I smelled myself and it was bad. At this point, I decided it would be wise to go into the house and clean up. I worked my way to the other side of the stall and opened the barn side gate and then remembered to call Tess. “Tess, That’ll do”. She burst into the pen in her haste to obey my command and I wondered as I was flung to the ground again by escaping sheep “Oh Lord was I sleeping in line when God handed out Penning Brains?”

 

Yep, I was.